As she walked on the narrow flyover staircase, I imagined everyone thought about how she parts her long, beautiful legs for the man she trusts not to fuck her over. At most literally in this case. How her hips swayed and the gyration after every step might have had most guys blinded to her deepest insecurities and heartache. Her swaying hips and her aura of confidence as she was on the steps were always a constant reminder of what she needed to get ahead in life. There was something about her legs that most guys couldn’t just yet wrap around their heads, pun intended. This is simply because of how she carried herself. She was comfortable in her skin and it’s for sure that nothing is as easy as loving someone who already loves themselves.
She approached me from a distance and I could tell she was not okay by the way she kept scratching and fidgeting. Without any pleasantries, she went on and on and I could bet she couldn’t even hear herself speak because it was slowly degrading to a rumble. I tried to take her glasses off but she slapped my palm away. I insisted and got them off, blinding her for a second there . She reeled back and I drew her into a warm embrace. Suddenly, in all the cacophony, she found complete taciturn in my hug and eased herself into my arms. She was the eye of the hurricane that was her life but the apple of my eye none the less.
We are always for some reason drawn to the wrong things in life. One moment you think gravity is a good thing because it keeps your feet planted on the ground and it turns around to prove you wrong when you are on your fours. This feeling is nowhere close to how you feel when you fall prostrate for someone who has no feelings for you whatsoever. You get drawn in and the sad part is all seems well until the heat you are drawn to burns you. The hardest part about all of this is that you never know when to pull away from a toxic relationship until it’s too late. The forgiving nature of love betrays you into making choices that are against your better judgment.
We had been talking for a while and she had made it clear that it was time to define the relationship or she walks. Of course, as a man, it’s easy to take this as an ultimatum and get into a defensive cocoon so I chose not to respond. She was beautiful and all but for some reason, my heart may have been broken too many times it developed a problem palpitating when excited about someone. Sometimes the only way to know it will work is if your heart does back-flips over her. I do not mean to develop a heart problem but that is my green flag every time which for some reason wasn’t coming up.
The spontaneous grabbing of the ass while running errands at the house and in public while no one was looking. The lost look in her eyes after a long passionate kiss. The bite marks at weird places from the spasms and my aching wrist from the death grip between her thighs.
I hated that it was to end like this because I had really hoped that she’d be the one with whom I settled. The heart wants what it wants and I’d hate not to indulge it on most of its erratic whims. So I just hugged her and hoped she’d understand that I’d have hated to use her and lie to her that I was in love with her yet I wasn’t. The pain of waiting for an airplane at the port or waiting for rain in the desert cannot be overstated.
The sex and the moments that built up to it were to die for. The random pin-ups on the wall. The wild kissing that ensued. The embraces from behind at the dressing mirror that always ended with a finger in her honey pot. The nibbles on her nipples after the morning shower and her essence on my tongue from the finger or direct from her mound. Her fingers searching for my hardened nipples under my tee shirt on a cold evening on our way home. The spontaneous grabbing of the ass while running errands at the house and in public while no one was looking. The lost look in her eyes after a long passionate kiss. The bite marks at weird places from the spasms and my aching wrist from the death grip between her thighs. The deep strokes that poked her all the way to the heart and the lower lip bite with every hit. All these and much more that made her fall in love deeper and deeper by the day. I now understand why she’d feel like she is dancing in the whirlwind like a few brown, dead leaves.
She had always insisted that she’d never want to engage sexually unless it was made official. Since I did not exactly subscribe to that belief, I ended up using my quite persuasive tongue to get her to do it before. This did not make the case any easier on me since I couldn’t find the markers that always indicate to me when a relationship is or is bound to be good. Somehow, sex to her was not to be trifled with and bore some serious emotional consequence that would be easier to pay while in a relationship. I differed with this because if we could play with each other to the brink of shagging, then it’s possible to do it with no strings attached.
As much as I agreed with her that sex can be serious, making it a one-sided relationship was in no way going to make it any better. Most guys would say yes to the relationship if that is what it took to get laid. Trying to make her see that there was no malice in breaking her heart was growing futile by the minute. Her tears as she explained why it was important to her that we do this on official terms barely made sense to me at that point and the tears didn’t make it any easier. I pulled her in for a hug to try and avoid looking at her teary eyes and drenched face. Her warm tears soaked on my pullover as I rubbed her back gently hoping she’d understand that It was not our mistake to want it the way we did.
We had walked to a quieter place at this point and the darkness was setting in quickly. I could feel it creeping in my heart and also see it as clear as day as the sun set in a yellow haze. Without saying a word, she disengaged the embrace and walked away, leaving behind a trail of painful tears, broken promises and her shattered heart in smithereens all over the place not knowing what to make of anything anymore.